If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
