Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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