Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
