I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
