I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
two words...techno handjob
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
