i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
