I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
