College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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