He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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