If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
