oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
