i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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