I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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