Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
