can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
