Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
