The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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