Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
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