my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
