I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
