I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
