Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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