I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
