I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
