I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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