Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
