It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
