I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
