Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
