The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
