I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
