So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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