So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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