Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
