I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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