I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
