I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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