You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
