Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
