I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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