I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
