I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
