Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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