Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
