lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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