Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
