well I can't set my house on fire every night
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
