yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
