I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
