I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
