I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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