I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
