he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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