hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
