when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
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