Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
