I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
